Would you ever move in with your adult kids? Here is how it went for me! The pros and cons all in one place.
A couple of weeks ago, I heard about an event that managed to trigger a stream of thoughts that transposed me into a deep rabbit hole. As a result, I decided to write about it. Nothing surprising here.
My husband’s retired cousin made the decision to move in with her adult daughter. I also did that right after I retired. I went on my first solo trip to Santa Fe when Greg, my eldest son, called me and told me that Billie, my daughter-in-law, was pregnant again. This was wonderful news!
Not long after, I moved to Portland, Maine, because they needed my help. They already had a kid, and with another one on the way, Billie felt like she needed someone around the house to support her.
I did some research, and I feel ready to tell you some things everyone needs to know when they want to move in with their adult kids. There are beautiful things and also some unpleasant ones. The best thing is to be informed, and this is why I am here!
Since I like to see the positive side of things, I want to start with the pros of moving in with your adult kids. Some call it multigenerational living because, as in my example, we are talking about a household where three or more generations reside together. Most of the time, this means that under the same roof, you will find the retired parents and their adult kids, and also their grandchildren.
The rise of multigenerational houses is a notable demographic shift in recent decades. More and more seniors have decided to move in with their adult kids. These households accounted for 4.7% of all households in 2020, marking an increase from 3.7% in 2000. And this change is not a coincidence. It represents profound societal and economic transformations, many of them happening during the COVID-19 pandemic.
So, let’s see the best parts of living with your adult kids.
Financial stability
When I moved in with my son and my daughter-in-law, this was the first thing that I noticed: things were incredibly smooth financially. It was not like my husband, Bill, and I were not in a good place in terms of money, but there was a noticeable change that made my life easier. Also, I need to mention that I moved in alone; Bill remained back home in South Carolina.
Since we were pooling resources, I had the chance to save more money than ever. I was contributing to the house, like I was going to get groceries and stuff like that, but so did my son and his wife. As you can imagine, this is what convinces so many retirees to move in with their adult kids.
This strategy is particularly beneficial for retirees living on fixed incomes, allowing their retirement savings to last longer and providing a greater sense of financial security. Also, if the kids are younger, combining incomes with parents can transform the dream of homeownership into an achievable reality.
Practical support
As I said, I moved to Portland to help them with everything home-related and also to stay with my grandson. I was there for 9 months! Gosh, that’s almost a year. And to be honest, this is the beauty of multigenerational living: mutual assistance.
While the parents were at work, I was there to take care of the home. This greatly reduced the need for external childcare services and offered my son and his wife more freedom. For example, if they wanted to go out for dinner or go on a short vacation during the weekend, I was there with my grandson. Before my arrival, these things were almost impossible for them.
On the other hand, I can see how this arrangement can be beneficial for seniors. If you are living alone, moving in with your adult kids might help you feel more secure. In case you have a medical emergency, someone will always be around to help you.
Enhanced social well-being
One of the biggest issues seniors face when they enter retirement is loneliness. I’ve never been completely lonely myself, maybe just when I moved for college, but even so, these are two scenarios that are widely different and can’t be compared. Being lonely when you are no longer young is a new and scary type of loneliness.
Just like in “The Old Man and the Sea,” no one wants to remain alone when they have to battle the marlin of old age. Hopefully, if you have children and a decent relationship with them, you can try to move in with them.
Daily interactions, shared meals, and family activities foster a deeper sense of closeness and understanding. These are things seniors may be missing, and moving in with your adult kids can mostly solve this problem.
Besides the basic daily interaction, when I stayed in Portland, we used to host a game board night every three weeks. That was a time that helped our relationship grow and later blossom into what we have today.
Less privacy
One of the most significant drawbacks I noticed when I moved in with my son, his wife, and my grandson is the loss of privacy. Now, don’t get me wrong, I had my own room, but you know things were not the same. And even more important is that I was already used to living with people. I have my husband back home, and I have three kids; I mean, I know what the loss of privacy feels like. I can’t imagine how it feels for the seniors who are used to living alone in peace and quiet. This might be a huge change for them!
This is a common concern, and you can notice it when there are not enough restrooms in the house or when you feel unable to do your hobbies without being interrupted. Moving in with your adult kids means a big routine change, and not everyone is ready for this. Also, it is not just your way of living that is changing, but also theirs.
Increased risk of family conflict
As you might have expected, moving into a place with more people can lead to conflict, especially when tension arises. And believe me, tension appears out of any little thing. Sometimes, even a cup left randomly in the kitchen can start a fight. Been there, done that.
One example of a very common conflict is “gramnesia.” I know this sounds like a weird name, but it’s a real phenomenon that happens when grandparents unintentionally dismiss the challenges faced by new parents. This leads to frustration and, in the end, to family conflict.
Living with people from different generations is like looking at family dynamics through a “magnifying glass.” Being close to someone all the time and losing personal space makes any disputes, communication problems, or unsolved tensions worse.
Well, this is only my experience about moving in with my adult kids, but your experience might be different. There are some lows, obviously, but the ups are worth it, or at least this is what I believe.
All in all, this is a great method to help and also not live alone at the same time. For some families, this might work amazingly, while for others, it can turn into a disaster. The secret is to really think about it and decide if you would give this lifestyle a chance or not.
If you have ever felt betrayed by your adult children, it is important to know that this feeling is quite common. Actually, much more common than you might think! I have struggled with that, and I still do from time to time, but what you need to understand is that many times, all of these conflicting feelings come from miscommunication. Therapy helped me, but you can really do all the work on your own if you feel ready.
Here is a book that I found interesting and that approaches this topic comprehensively, offering constructive advice and guiding you through the whole process.
Do you want to relocate to your dream town? Here are some cool American neighborhoods perfect for anyone looking to move into a new place during retirement: Where to Retire Now? These U.S. Neighborhoods Are Calling Your Name